How I Gave Up Free Will and Chose to be Elect

This thought stumbled into my head today, the thought, or maybe just idea, of choosing to part of the elect.  It came on sideways though because it is so much easier me to to see contradictions in others than in myself.

I wrote that almost two years ago.  I don't remember where I was going with the thought, but I liked the title so much I've decided to start right here after a two year hiatus.

Why so long this time?  Who knows?  I've been running, spiritually.  Running from a question that bugged me years ago.  A question that haunted me so much that I ran.  I feared it's weight.  I did not want to consider the implications.  I had become so content as lord of my life, I did not want to give it up, so I ran.

It was a Matthew West song that shook me back then.

This might hurt, it's not safe 

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking

What if I had given everything

Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

So I spent the last few years just going through the motions.  I remember the afternoon.  I remember the phone call to a friend.  I remember being desperate to know how to take that step. I was at the line of just completely laying my life down for God, for Jesus, and I needed know how to sacrifice how to sever myself from the tentacles, the how so comforting tentacles, of the the world.  I couldn't explain to him where I was spiritually.  He needed to know this was more than just an afternoon thought exercise.  I needed someone to hold me in place, or better to push me, pull me, whatever, over the edge toward Him.

I stumbled over my words, part of me refusing to let my friend see how much I needed him. I was holding myself hostage.  Pride and self-worship entangled me, and I ran.

I never wanted to go back to that place, to that cliff of surrender to His will, to His call on my life.  I failed once, I didn't want to fail again.  I didn't want to make another awkward call to a friend who couldn't hear what I so desperately wanted to say.  

It's not that I left God.  It's not that I quit serving in the church.  I still had moments of refreshing communion with a God that wanted more than what I'd squeeze into my schedule.  He wanted to be my schedule.  He loved me, knew what was best for me; He was best for me. But I kept Him at a safe distance for too long.

So why is today different? It was this, from John Piper's daily devotional Solid Joys:

People give way to sexual sin because they don’t have the fullness of joy and gladness in Christ. Their spirits are not steadfast and firm and established. They waver. They are enticed, and they give way because God does not have the place in our feelings and thoughts that he should.

Whether we give into sexual sin or some other sin, it's because we're seeking to find joy, but apart from Him.  God made us as joy seekers, but the joy we're hardwired for is Him.  Only He can satisfy that thirst.  So for the years that I have been "going through the motions" I mean I was still seeking joy in things other than God, mainly in setting myself up as king of my little kingdom with no desire to give up my rule. So I'm trying to let go and give it all over to Him, as if it wasn't His all along anyways.  

Father God, take this misdirected man and turn my eyes to you.  Make my heart seek only you. Forgive my wanderings.  I want to come home. Amen.